What It All Means
As Time Goes By. . .
By now, you know all of the best “Ancient Magic Secrets” that I can impart. Even details about tantra we did not explore in-depth are covered in our discussions about Intention. At the levels that most people will practice or make use of tantric methods, it is the intentional, caring focus we bring to our partner that stands behind all of the various breathing exercises, eye-gazing, and other various practices of Tantra. Once you get Intention right, all the rest is merely variations on a theme.
Although we have covered a wide field of facts and sexual technologies and techniques that would not be available to anyone who has not studied the subject as your author has, the truth is that there are few secrets of human sexuality that defy the investigation of the committed inquirer.
That’s rather a good thing.
The vast majority of everything you read you will forget. You will forget these things we have talked about, consciously, but—-and this is an important distinction—-now you know them. Knowing what is possible will empower your brain and spirit to rediscover for yourself the things you have forgotten but know to be true. Because of that, these technologies and techniques remain available to you.
In addition to presenting you with a array of useful information and insights in an organized manner for easy assimilation, you will find that by studying these various elements and giving them due prominence in your consciousness, you have established perceptual filters and neural pathways that facilitate and help you to cut through the usual bullshit and get to the issues that make a difference in all of your relationships.
Believe me, as you improve your sex life with your lover, you will become a more effective man in all parts of your life.
My frank hope is that this information in your hands, and, now, in your head, will spiral outward for the benefit of the world we all share. The better lover you are, the happier you will be, and you will pass your happiness along.
Others may be content with things as they always have been. That is not you. You are about enlarging yourself, growing towards a better, more influential self.
Can you initiate sex without being rejected?
And why would you want to? Sure, it’s better to initiate and be accepted versus initiate and be rejected. But consider the lover who initiates and is “never” rejected. What can we learn from him? The biggest lesson is that he likely never initiates unless he is absolutely certain he will prevail. That means that he acts only when certain, which means: not that often.
Think of it like this: who’s better off: the guy who initiates a hundred times and is successful 50% of the time, or the guy who initiates five times and is success 100% of the time? Which one has a more robust sex life, and which one is more likely to improve through experience: the guy who has sex five times, or the guy who has sex fifty times?
I am fortunate to have a partner who wants sex a lot, even when I’m too tired to want it. At those times when I am just too dog-tired to get anything started on my own, if she wants it, she knows it’s up to her to make it happen. Unfailingly, once we get into it—usually slowly, without demands, but with gentle persistence—a complete lovemaking session ensues.
Let me give you a clearer picture of what that can look like, on those tired nights (so that you will have some idea of what it is like for her when she seems far from being in the mood). I remember being so exhausted, that for ten minutes or more all I could do was massage a part of her hand with my hand. It was a case of “As above, so below,” meaning that the macrocosm was contained in the microcosm, meaning that I could focus just as much intense sensuality on the limited area of her hand as I otherwise might have exerted her whole body.
You might think that the quantity of stimulation would have been negligible compared to the quantity experienced by the entire body, but here’s the interesting thing: the quality of stimulation, once it surpasses a certain point, makes quantity irrelevant.
Of course, neither of us was going to have an orgasm just from me caressing her hand. After ten or more minutes of rousing her up, and of slowly being aroused myself, I found it in my interests to call upon reserves of energy to finish off what we had started.
Here are the main points of my anecdote: if your lover is indifferent or even opposed to having sex at this time, a slow, gentle, persistent approach will give you time to change her mind. As we noted earlier in this book, women are often not in the mood to have sex until they are actually having sex. The same can be said for a tired man, too.
Another point is that I am committed never to disappoint my lover. If you adhere conscientiously to the principles of this book, your lover will be similarly committed to you, if for no other reason then she knows that you will treat her right, as she wishes to be sexed, and there will be satisfaction for her by the end of it all.
This assumes, of course, that you are equally committed to her satisfaction. As you are to her, she will be to you.
If my lover, in the above example, had rushed in with lots of kissing and caressing, hoping to elicit my ardor, it is doubtful I would have responded at her level of interest. Following my lack of response, she would have felt rejected, ceased her efforts, and felt hurt, maybe even angry or resentful.
If you rush in and get signals that you perceive mean “leave me alone,” I doubt you are going to feel very happy about it, nor will you be extremely willing to undertake a similar effort, later.
If you have followed our advice, then you will ask yourself: What is her emotional tone, just now?
On the one hand, I’m telling you to back off and pick a more favorable time, and on the other hand, I’m telling you that her disinterest can be overturned with the right smooth moves.
Here’s the reality check: with your overtures, you are checking for interest, disinterest, or the opposite of interest, that is, anything approaching outright hostility to the idea of sex. Disinterest can be gotten around. Keep in mind, she may not be receptive to the idea of sex, just now, but once sex is underway, that is another proposition, entirely. It’s the difference between theory and reality.
However, if it is the opposite of interest you are reading, or steadfast refusal, then it’s best to plan for a different time.
Consider that, for some women, fucking and lovemaking are special moments that they wish to share when they are in their best state of mind and heart. If your woman is such, then very likely she is not in that elevated state often enough to keep you sexually satisfied. That is why following the advice we have laid out is so important for building that special emotional haven she can go to with her man to be that love-filled, giving woman.
Whether your lover is that kind of woman, or some mellower degree thereof, your secret weapon is to open your mouth and communicate with her in a non-accusatory, non-whiney, non-beseeching manner.
My own preferred vocabulary to talk about such subjects is to speak in terms of feeling “frisky.”
You will want to choose words that make the most sense to you. For example, if I am feeling very tired and would like to turn out the lights and go to sleep, but I don’t want to disappoint my lover, I ask if she is feeling frisky, tonight. If she is tired, too, then there’s no problem with turning out the lights. If she is feeling frisky, and she usually is, then I know that if I turn out the lights and do only what I want to do, which is go to sleep, then there will be consequences. Doing so once may not be fatal, but acting selfishly repeatedly is a death sentence for the sexual relationship.
If I’m really too exhausted to rise to the occasion, then, being a reasonable person, she will usually let me beg off. It makes a world of difference that I gave her a real option of saying yes or no. This is what makes communication a useful thing.
The value of using a low-stakes, friendly word like “frisky” rather than something along the lines of “are you super horny?” is that it is more fair. “Super horny? Probably not. Sure, I’d like to have sex, that could make me super horny, but right now? Super horny? No, I’m not at the point where I would have to go into the bathroom and masturbate if you don’t fuck me. But do I always have to be super horny in order for you to fuck me? Isn’t that setting the price of admission a bit steep?”
“Well, if you’re not super horny, then I’m not going to bother having sex with you, tonight.” Is that fair?
Along similar lines, I wouldn’t like to ask: Do you want to have sex? Do you want to fuck? Remember, often the answer, for women and for men, is: No, not really. That is, not until I do feel like it, which probably won’t be until five minutes after the foreplay has started.
I don’t believe so.
If you don’t ask, then sooner or later you are bound to get it wrong, and then comes either the rejection or the resentment, or both. If you don’t ask, your chance of getting it wrong increase. Because you don’t ask, you don’t try, which lowers your chances of success.
When you ask, you are simply gathering information about what’s possible.
Listen, I’d like to have sex. What’s your situation over there? If you’re in the mood, that’s easy, ‘nuff said. If you might be interested, then let’s find out for sure, one way or the other. If you are definitely in the no-go zone, then I don’t want to be a nuisance. Maybe there’s something I can do for you, instead of sex, to help you out of the no-go zone, just because that can’t be a very good place to be if it means you don’t want to have sex. Just getting you out of the no-go zone would be a positive outcome, even if it doesn’t lead to sex, right away. If nothing else, getting you out of the no-go zone, or even trying to get you out, will make it more likely we’ll have sex, next time.
Does that mean you should always ask, first?
No. You are smart enough and perceptive enough to know when things are moving in the right direction, when the mood is possible. There are occasions when both of you will expect to have sex, and no discussion or negotiation is necessary. When the romance is flowing, stay out of the way and let it flow. Very likely, this means stopping your mouth from talking.
There are also times, and you must judge these carefully, when she will want you to insist on sex. Not to be a bully, not to be a rapist or a thug, but because you are showing her that you are a true man and she is a true woman whose beauty and sexual allure you cannot resist. It is quite all right and can be extremely productive if at such times you tell her this—-just as long as you keep in mind that this is not a debate or open to negotiation: this is a man in control of his world who is telling his woman truthfully that one of the strongest forces in his experience is his attraction for her. Do these things, and you will be tapping into her sexual DNA programming.
For myself, I can say that for years I was not the type to talk about sex with my former wife or to indicate to her things that I wanted. I’m far from the only guy to feel that way. How does one change that?
Educating oneself with resources like this book are ways of broadening one’s awareness of what’s possible. Also, in learning about different points of view, it creates a context in which to situate one’s own sexuality and sexual desires.
Although I have discussed very little the areas of sex involving kinks and fetishes, or polyamorous and non-monogamous lifestyles, that is not only because I am by nature a non-kinky sort of lover, but also because such information is not relevant to most of the gentlemen I intend to reach.
But overcoming shyness is about a lot more than asking your lover to dress up in outfits and role-play a fantasy scenario. If that’s the direction you want to head in, it will be useful for you to be able to do other, simpler things first, like indicate to her how you like to be touch or kissed, for example.
Of course, getting your ideas and preferences across requires tact and graciousness.
If, when you talk to her, you make her feel criticized, or inadequate, or incapable of pleasing you properly, or just plain wrong, then it would be better for your to keep your silly mouth shut. Sometimes what she is doing is for her own pleasure as much as it is meant for your pleasure, so be GGG and let that woman do her thing.
If your lover simply lies there and treats sex as something that is done to her, more of a spectator sport than something she should be doing herself on the field and running plays, then that would be a good place for you to step in and encourage her to get involved.
Best way to tell her? DON’T. Show her what you like.
Use some words, of course.
“Do you like this? This is what I like, too. Can you do that to me?”
If she says: “No, I don’t like that!”
Then you say: “That’s okay; it’s what I like.”
As always, accentuate the positive. Praise whatever she does well whenever she does it. I say “praise,” and that could mean an actual compliment, or it could also mean an appreciative sigh or moan of gratitude, with feeling!
In the beginning, or any time, really, if you overplay your responses, that’s okay. It’s okay to laugh, to be playful. Doing so gives both of you permission to experiment and play. Later, no doubt, slightly self-conscious overplay will settle down into natural, self-fueling, hot and sexy play.
If she remains very passive, then think of ways to get her more actively involved.
Start with her body before working on her mind. As they say: Free your ass, and your mind will follow.
Bend her over so that she has to support herself with her hands on a chair or table.
Have her position herself above you when you give her oral sex.
In missionary position, have her sling a belt over your ass that she holds from both ends and pulls you into her whenever she wants you to thrust. Every now and then, resist and make her work for it.
Blindfold her and undress her standing up, twirling her around the room every now and then—-her hands will be all over you.
As always, the more playful you can be, the more she will want to play with you.
Other ways to overcome shyness: read this book to each other.
Read erotica to each other before sex. Warning: if she registers disgust or strong reservations about anything you read, you would be wise to keep any contrary opinions you may harbor to yourself, at least for the time being. If she wants to know if that sort of thing turns you on, you may want to be non-committal, at least at first. Remind her they are only stories written because they are appealing to certain people. The stories are about getting horny, not about plans for your future together. Remember, the point of reading the erotica is to get both of you horny, and to foster communication, but if the horny part isn’t working, then better to drop it.
Watching porno together I suggest with extreme reluctance. If your lover is up for this, you will probably already know it and don’t need my advice to urge you on. If your lover shows interest in the idea of watching porn together, it could work out and be quite juicy for you both. I knew a woman who liked to watch porn with her boyfriend and then reenact scenes they had watched. Searching for porn they wanted to reenact in itself was a sexy past-time they both enjoined. However, some women will take it as a form of infidelity for you to watch other people having sex. This could be very bad for your relationship.
[Remember that the sex you see in porno is not like real-people sex. In porno, enormous sexual pleasure is supposedly generated from the sex act itself----that’s the 2% of technique we talked about at the beginning. I’m not saying that for the actors it is all fakery. I’m saying that they are sexual athletes trained for exhibition. Don’t believe the hype.]
If that all seems too much to attempt from the place you now find yourself, think more in terms of simply moving your lover’s hand around with your own, shifting it to some more exciting place on your body, using simple words like, “ More; keep going; harder.” Take it one step at a time; keep stepping long enough, and you can go just about anyplace.
Orgasms: The Sad Truth
There are at least three good reasons that women fake orgasms, and, really I don’t think they will be much of a surprise to you:
They want to get the sex over with because they are tired or bored. The good times just aren’t rolling, for them.
Women are nurturers who sincerely have your emotional well-being in mind. They want you to believe they’ve had an orgasm because they want you to feel good. They are willing to take the blame for not having an orgasm onto themselves, so why not fake it to make you feel grand and possibly avoid an unpleasant scenario about her supposed inadequacy in not being able to come? As we established earlier, only 25% of women are able to achieve orgasm the traditional penis-in-vagina way. If your woman is one of those, that’s lucky for you. If not, join the other three-quarters of the population. It’s not about you or your penis.
She may not be able to achieve orgasms penis-in-vagina, but she sincerely appreciates your efforts and wishes to give you a round of applause, thus the fake orgasm. The appreciation is real, so accept it as such.
I have never had any perceivable problem with fake orgasms, but how would I know for sure, right?
First, my not having any overbearing expectation that the woman I was with had to have an orgasm helped, I’m sure. Following the principles of this book were other advantages.
And, this is a big one: I would ask if she had an orgasm. I would ask in a way that she had no reason not to be honest. I’ve had plenty of women say: no, the PiV sex, pleasant as it was, didn’t do it for them. That’s when it was time for me to switch to oral sex, or hand-and-pussy sex.
And sometimes, that didn’t work, either.
How did I know it didn’t work?
Because my partners felt comfortable enough to tell me it wasn’t happening, tonight.
Hearing them say that was all right by me. Sometimes that’s just the way it is. There were plenty of times in the past, with various lovers, when I couldn’t reach the point of ejaculation, either. Maybe it was because of the lateness of the hour, maybe it was because of my dick being desensitized over a long of fucking, maybe it was because I didn’t take my vitamins that morning. Who knows for sure, and why bother to care? When you have lots of sex, occasionally these things happen.
The big moral of the story is that if it turns out that your lover has been faking, don’t hold it against her and don’t blame yourself. Ultimately, you can’t give her an orgasm; she is responsible for her own orgasm. If things aren’t working for her, then it is her responsibility to communicate the fact to you, unless, that is, you can read her mind. But you can’t read her mind, can you, so there is no blame on you.
By following the principles of this book wisely, you are guaranteed success. How do I know for sure? Because you will be in communication with her, and so, where you might go astray, she will guide you onto the right path.
I never expected my own sexual success with women to arise out of a vacuum, porn-style, with no talking, no relationship, no exchange of feelings, nothing but pure thrusting. What do you expect?Simultaneous Orgasms
The problem with simultaneous orgasms as portrayed in the media—-American media, at any rate—-is that it offers the illusion that great, hot sex is when two people climax at the same time then collapse together in post-coital bliss.
With most of my lovers, simultaneous orgasms have rarely been my experience. It has happened more with my current lover than with all of my dozens of other lovers combined, but I can tell you this: there are times when I could time myself to match her schedule, but I didn’t. Why? Because to get her to come PiV takes a good deal of vigorous thrusting and concentration. If I come a little bit soon, she knows it, and it affects her climax, and maybe her orgasm slips away. Rather than risk it, I focus on getting her taken care of good and good, and then I come back for my own. That way, selfishly, I can make my own orgasm that much more intense and drawn out, rather than rushing things just for the sake of a simultaneous orgasm.
The problem with simultaneous orgasms is that, if that is your goal and you don’t reach it, then what? Failure? Disappointment? Who wants an outcome like that?
And, if it doesn’t work out simultaneously, who do you blame? You shouldn’t blame anyone, of course, but human nature being what it is, sometimes blame gets passed around. The result of the blame-game is not a good thing.
I’m here to say that simultaneous orgasms are fine things when they occur spontaneously, of their own accord, naturally. They are pleasant, but overrated (by some), and definitely not a necessity of anyone’s sexual life.
Unless, of course, you believe they are a necessity. In that case, see the section above about faking it.
To give you and your lover a better chance of coming together, realized that you, as a man, are the one who must demonstrate restraint because she is very likely to need more time to get to the tipping point than you are.
Assuming you can restrain yourself (if you can’t, yet, it’s only a matter of practice), take yourself to the state of arousal where you are a minute or two away from coming. Then, pull out and perform oral sex on her. In this case, I suggest using your mouth on her clit and vulva but leaving your fingers on the outside so that the sensation of penetration, when you put your dick back in her, will be that much more bracing for her.
Continue the oral stimulation until she tells you to get inside her—-if she doesn’t know already, let her know that the goal, tonight, is simultaneous orgasm.
Bring yourself back to the brink and check her state of arousal. Don’t guess about, unless, of course, it is obvious: ask her: Are you almost ready to come?
Tell her what’s happening with you: I’m almost there; I’m almost ready to come. Should I keep going?
Be sure she knows that if she tells you to keep going it is because she is almost ready to come, herself, and not because she wants you to be satisfied and forget about her.
If she isn’t ready, yet, you simply pull out and go down for more oral, or slow the pace.
This is not the spontaneous, natural way, but it is the way to do it if simultaneous orgasms are what you want on a predictable basis.
After you’ve done it enough, fewer words should be necessary as you are better able to read her signals; or, if you prefer to eschew words altogether, arrange a sign that she is at the tipping point, such as her pulling your hair. Other useful signals: “Yes! I’m ready! Take me! Fuck me! Make me come! Now!”
There are entire books written about this subject wherein you will discover various exercises for lots of PC muscle contractions and getting in touch with your sensitivity ratings.
Summed up in a few words, it’s about bringing your sexual pleasure up to the point of near-ejaculation, and then backing off.
There are some men who can go ahead and ejaculate, and then do it all over again. These guys are freaks of nature, in a good way, but if you weren’t born that way, then there is nothing you can do, as far as I know and believe, to train yourself to ejaculate more than once per session, on a regular basis. But, by all means, it can’t hurt to try!
I had loads of experience with multiple orgasms (orgasms, not ejaculations) before I ever knew what they were. Being with new lovers, I always wanted to put in a good showing, but after an hour or more, especially while using a condom, because of the desensitization that came with continuous stimulation, it was all I could do to get to climax. Many times, I got nearly to the point of ejaculation, then physically ran out of steam and had to take a rest. The great thing was, before stopping I experienced an “orgasm.” Because I hadn’t ejaculated, I could do it all over again, experiencing as many orgasmic near-ejaculations as I had physical stamina to produce.
You will know you are successful because you will feel you are one inch or one second away from coming, and then you pull back, without ejaculating.
Repeat as many times as you like.
The truth is, in my experience, however wonderful these orgasms feel, they are not quite the same as a really good ejaculation. But then, the multiple orgasm can be better than some ejaculations, because, hey, not all ejaculations or orgasms are first-rate; some are subpar.
If you have never experienced orgasm without ejaculation before, just fuck your way up to the point where you’re about to ejaculate, then don’t. It’s the not going over the edge part that is the trick.
If you have difficulty in holding back, that’s what the sensitivity exercises we talked about are for. You learn to turn back at lower levels of excitement, gradually building up the amount of sensation you can handle and still keep it in your balls.
Or, you can suit up with a condom or two and practice that way.
Male multiple orgasms: why not? Best for when you plan to be at it awhile.
To sum up what it takes to be a world-class lover who enchants and dazzles his partner in and out of the bedroom on a consistent basis, it is useful to think in terms of being your lover’s “true companion.” It is up to you to define exactly what “true companion” means, and I suggest that you think about what it would mean to you yourself to have a partner or wife whom you could interact with as a true companion.
Would she be someone you didn’t completely trust? Would your true companion be the fourth closest person in the world to you? Would you never know whether or not she would support you, or support you only under certain conditions? Would she not tell you the truth? Would she hold back her passion, her thoughts, her deepest beliefs until you had paid for them in one way or another, and maybe not give them to you even then?
Would she control “sexual permission” and use sex and intimacy to control or punish you?
My point is that in all likelihood, your ideal (and mine) of a true companion would be the exact opposite of these behaviors. Of all the people I know, my true companion would be the person I could be closest to. When I am most defenseless and vulnerable, I would know that she would always choose to act with kindness and concern towards me, never with spite or cruelty, never with disregard for my feelings. In the shuffle of day-to-day distractions, through a crowd of the usual frustrations we would find each other and take shelter in each other’s hearts and goodwill. I would know that, for her, I would always be her chief and her hero, and she would know that, for me, she would always be my princess and first in my affections.
In a nutshell, this book, setting aside the specifics of techniques, is aimed at persuading you of the importance of becoming more like your lover’s ideal of her true companion. The more you can be her hero, the more she will love you and the more awesome your sex together will be. No matter what the duration of your relationship may be, if only for an hour, the more you approach this ideal, the greater your rewards.
In the final analysis, if you can be her true companion, then you will be able to take sex and intimacy to levels of pleasure and meaning that few other human beings ever do on a consistent basis.
In our discussions, together, I have sought to make these ideas easy to conceptualize in ways that make it possible for you to act on them in actual daily life. Being technically better at sex is, of course, an advantage, but more important than that is recognizing and respecting the forces behind why men and women want to have sex, really great sex.
Plainly, you cannot experience the greatest sex possible unless you make it possible for your lover to experience the greatest sex possible. You cannot have the greatest lover possible until you are the greatest lover possible.
Do you think it is reasonable that you can have the greatest sex possible and not also be the greatest lover possible, as far as she thinks of you as her greatest lover?
Nothing starts out as the greatest. For example, being good, and then great, at sex is less complicated than being good or great at being a true and worthy companion and friend. Do what you can do, and work on getting better, one day at a time. Be as good at sex as you can be, and that will make other things easier, too.
A lot of what I have suggested to you is about how to be a better man, a better companion to your lover. Consider these ways of being a worse man:
- Be a complainer.
- Be a criticizer.
- Be a whiner.
- Be indecisive and one who frets, the opposite of a man of action.
- Be a man who is easily frustrated, a man lacking solutions.
- Be a man who is incapable of effective communication.
- Be a man afraid of his own weaknesses.
Any time you indulge in these behaviors, you lessen your sexual power in the eyes of your lover for the simple reason that these behaviors are not the actions of a hero.
If you are not your woman’s hero, then you are simply a man who tries but fails, a flawed and weak man, a common man, maybe even a few shades less than a common man.
If you are going to fail, then fail heroically. Complaining, criticizing, whining, sulking: these are the failures spawned of weakness.
Be strong for your woman, and she will be strong for you. Be the best man you can be, and all the secrets of sex will be yours to command.