Emergency Sex Kit
The Emergency Sex Kit was originally written as 63-page stand-alone companion to my Perfect Desi Lover product. Desi is a name for the people of the South Asian subcontinent—think: India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh, although, when writing TESK, India was the particular culture I had in mind.
Although I am not desi, myself (see our About Us page to learn more), I felt I could be of help to a culture where the majority of marriages are arranged marriages, and where the majority of marrying couples. both men and women, are virgins on their wedding nights.
Because of the restrictions on sexual information available in India, I saw the value of specific, plain-spoken instruction to men who are in the most sexually demanding and potentially stressful situation any man can be in:
having sex for the first time with a virtual stranger after an exhausting three-day, public build up. It’s true: someone else always has it worse off than you do.
Although this volume is intended for those about to have sex for the first time on their wedding nights, where there is the definite expectation that sex is going to happen, this is useful and powerful information for everyone. Even if you are an elite lover, there’s something to be gained from looking through the eyes of a beginner.
If anyone you know is about to have sex for the first time, this will be an invaluable gift to them. Help a brother out: share the wealth of knowledge! Feel free to pass it on.
Check out the table of contents, below, and see what looks most interesting to you. Then dive into the first 30 pages. If you like it, sign up for the complete, FREE ebook at bottom.
Table of Contents:
Preface—-You’ve Got to Start Here 6
Looking Forward To Your Wedding Night (Your First Time) ? 9
Realistic Expectations 10
The Most Important Thing to Know 11
Sex Ought To Be Fun 13
How To Kill The Intimacy 14
State The Obvious 15
What You Do NOT Need To Do 17
You don’t need to lecture her 18
You don’t need give her an orgasm. 18
You don’t need to break records 20
What To Do 21
Wedding Dress: On or Off? 21
Touch her. 22
Back To The Beginning 24
Compliment Her 25
Closing The Gap 26
Getting Close 26
First Kiss 28
Pleasant Breath 28
Slow Glide 30
Subtle Movements 30
When And How To Touch Her Breasts 31
How Soon? 31
Ways of Tickling Her with Your Mouth: 34
When And How To Touch Her Pussy 36
How to Begin 36
First Touch 37
Warming Up 37
If She Demurs 38
Is It Masturbation? 39
Be Playful 41
The Hymen 44
Not Hurting Her 46
Your Own Rite of Passage 47
Too Shy to Touch It? 47
Skin to Skin 48
No Need to be a Spy 48
Finger In or Out? 50
How to Say Certain Things 50
Oral Sex? 51
Panties Off 51
100% Naked 52
Getting Hard And Getting Inside Her 52
What if your penis doesn’t get hard? 52
Getting Acquainted 52
Your Big Dick 53
Conspiracy Against Your Erection 54
What to Do 54
When Nothing Works 55
Once You Are Ready Don’t Make This Mistake 56
Helping Hand 57
Top or Bottom? 58
How Long Will It Take? 59
Tightness Good, Friction Bad 60
Collecting Your Trophy 61
Which Side of the Bed? 62
Reality Check 62
Anti-Sex Training 62
The Emergency Sex Kit
Preface—-You’ve Got to Start Here
If you don’t start here, you won’t understand why so much of the rest of The Emergency Sex Kit frames things in terms of marriage.
You might not be married and have no plans to be married for a long, long time.
That’s okay. You are going to find everything that follows extremely relevant to your situation.
If such is your case, the big difference between you and those about to be married is that there is a definite expectation that they will be having sex on a specific date at a certain time.
You, on the other hand, have a lot more freedom to decide exactly the time that is best for you.
You can wait to have sex for the first time, and you should, until it is something that is right for you.
How will you know it’s the right time and the right person?
If you believe it is the right time and the right person, then that’s good enough. Maybe you’ll be correct about that, and maybe you’ll be wrong. Maybe you will be right for five years, but as you look back on your decision from ten years gone, your opinion may change. That’s okay. That’s the inherent risk of being alive. Being wrong doesn’t make it a mistake.
If you are the kind of person who is concerned about making the perfect choice, this could be a problem for you.
This may help: ask yourself if passing up an opportunity for sex will cause you regret later in your life. As for myself, I like to live life in a way that allows for the fewest regrets. When we come to the end of our lives, we’ll only be able to carry away the memories of the things we did and the things we regretted not doing.
Let’s say you’ve done your share of waiting for the right time and the right person, and you are as ready as they come. All right, then! Just ignore the words “marriage” and “wedding nights” and recognize that the principles discussed apply to you, too.
Another big difference between you and a couple getting married is that the couple has arranged a location for their sexual union. Similarly, you need to arrange a location for your tryst.
In The Art Of Sexual Awesomeness we discuss the importance of getting the ambiance of your setting just right. In a nutshell, let’s just say that in your desire to have sex you should attempt to hold onto some standards when it comes to choosing your trysting place. The first place that comes to hand is not necessarily the best choice. You want privacy that won’t be interrupted, reasonable cleanliness, and comfort. The more you have of these things, the less you will be distracted and the more you can concentrate on the main attraction.
Looking Forward To Your First Time?
“Remember, your wedding night only happens once in your lifetime. Be sure to make it the most sensual, intimate and memorable night of your life.”
Feeling the pressure, yet? Try this one on for size:
“Knowing the exact way to get it right is an arduous task and, if gone wrong, you may end up facing a catastrophic situation in your bedroom with your first nuptial boo-boos.”
Catastrophe awaits you, my friend, unless you know the EXACT way of getting it right, and, believe me, it is going to be ARDUOUS.
Is this the kind of pressure you need on your first night after non-stop hours and days of wedding activities?
It’s as if you are competing for the Olympic gold medal in the 3000 meter steeplechase (obstacle course), except that before you run the steeplechase, you are required to run a marathon, not just once but three days in a row.
And make certain you bring home the gold medal.
Tell me, does it make sense to you that the very first time two people do something together, something as complicated as sex (and they do it at the conclusion of the most demanding three days of their lives), that they are going to magically create the “MOST sensual, intimate and memorable” night of their lives?
If the first time the two of you are together sexually it is the most intimate night of your lives, then you are doing something seriously wrong every night thereafter.
Marriage can be a beautiful thing, and I wish for you the most beautiful wedding possible, but when those bedroom doors close and it’s just you and your bride, make sure the bullshit has left the room. There’s no point in making sex harder than it needs to be with absurd expectations.
First of all, there is no “exact way to get it right.” Some ways are better than others, and we’ll discuss those, soon, but relieve yourself of the burden of B.S. that implies there are multitudes of ways of getting it wrong and only one way of getting it right.
Okay, yes, there are multitudes of ways of getting it wrong, but the bigger point is that there are multitudes of ways of getting it right.
You haven’t got much time, and what time you do have is rapidly running out. That’s why we call this the Emergency Sex Kit. So, what is the most important piece of information you need to know, right now?
The Most Important Thing to Know
The single most important thing you need to know is that 95% of what it takes to be a superlative lover is: graciousness.
What? Am I joking? What does “graciousness” mean?
Think of graciousness as another word for kindness, but kindness that is compassionate beyond usual, day-to-day consideration.
Graciousness is more important to your success with your lover than knowing where to stick your dick. Even if you know nothing about sex techniques, by being gracious to your lover, she will have the incentive to cooperate in helping the both of you figure out a solution.
Bedroom boo-boos don’t end at the honeymoon but continue throughout your lives together.
You will forever be:
ending up on her hair and pulling it,
or biting too hard,
or sucking too hard,
or knocking into each other the wrong way,
or making highly ridiculous “farting” sounds as your sweaty bodies slam into each other,
or actually farting during sex
or slipping out at an inopportune moment,
or fumbling to find her entrance,
or trying to go in through the back entrance without permission
or losing your erection despite your best efforts,
and many other awkward moments all waiting for you to discover.
These boo-boos will be your fault as much as they are her fault, if fault is a word that should be applied, which it should not.
When these things happen (either happen to you or because of you), if you get pissy or peevish or sullen or angry or any variation of upset, then you may as well kiss the “mood” good-bye because it certainly isn’t sticking around when you act like that.
When it’s your “fault” that something awkward happens, how much to you think you will appreciate your lover dismissing whatever it was with good grace, a fond smile, or overlooking it as if it were nothing, nothing at all? So, do the same for her.
Sex Ought To Be Fun
Often the best, most gracious response to an awkward moment is a light laugh. Sex ought to be fun, after all. Laughter is the best cure for many things.
Seriousness is a fine thing, certainly, but if, as part of your grand lovemaking extravaganza, you go in for a kiss and accidentally poke her in the eye with your nose, you need to take these boo-boos in stride or else risk ruining the mood.
You may have preferred to not poke her in the eye with your nose, of course, but if this is the chance to laugh that life offers you, then laugh.
(If you want to be suave about the eye-poke, you can even turn it to your advantage by telling her that she affects you so much you can’t even kiss straight.)
Your woman wants to know that she has a strong effect on you—-the stronger her effect, the better.
Here’s another side to being gracious:
When your lover is outside of her clothes, you will notice what a real human body looks like. Real human bodies don’t look like the ones we are used to seeing in the media. Her skin may have freckles, moles, or scars. Her boobs may be different sizes; outside of a brassiere, they will conform to the shape that Mr. Gravity demands of them. If she is large breasted, when she lies on her back, her boobs will shift to her sides. It won’t look like the magazines.
There will be other discoveries awaiting you. All of them will be one-hundred percent natural as her body does what is is meant to do.
Maybe you will wish it were different than that. Yours is a common response. Wouldn’t we all want mates with perfect physiques if it were only a matter of wishing for them?
How To Kill The Intimacy
Being critical and disapproving is the death of intimacy. It’s about as close to a polar opposite to graciousness as you can get, which is another useful way to make the point about the importance of being gracious: practice the opposite of graciousness and watch your love-life crash and burn.
State The Obvious
Why is stating the obvious such a useful thing to do?
It shows that you are smart enough to recognize the obvious and brave enough to speak it.
It shows that you are not fooled by bullshit nor trying to foist bullshit upon her.
It puts you in charge, which is something she wants from her new husband. By your defining what is actually going on, you are in charge.
It establishes common ground, and common ground is a useful starting point for moving forward in your budding sexual relationship.
It recognizes her as an equal partner in what is about to take place by setting forth observations that she most likely agrees with—-in other words, it is the start of your intimate sharing. Before you share your bodily fluids, start simply and easily by sharing your thoughts.
It sets a useful, fruitful tone by relieving her, in part or in whole (one hopes), of bullshit expectations and unrealistic pressures.
You need to put her at ease, make her feel comfortable and safe, before proceeding. She is concerned about a number of things, not least that sex is going to be painful and that you will be the insensible/indifferent author of her pain.
This part about pain is a big deal to her. Not only is there raw pain to consider, but this act of sex is also a rite of passage for her.
As strongly as you feel about putting your dick in her and having your own rite of passage, she is going through just a little bit more because her rite of passage involves pain, her fear of pain, and possibly blood-loss. She does not want to go through this passage alone. She wants you there with her, focused on her and her ordeal, with a sincere appreciation on your part for what it means to her.
This ordeal, big or small, is done in large part for you, a gift she has waited a long time to give, and she needs to know that you know that and appreciate that.
What You Do NOT Need To Do
You don’t need to Impress her
You don’t need to impress her with your legendary sexual prowess. If you flaunt your legendary sexual prowess, or your attempts at legendary sexual prowess, then that would only serve to negatively emphasize the differences between you.
Consider her point of view. According to statistics, your bride is likely a virgin. Maybe she is looking for an experienced driver who can get her rolling down the road at 160 kph, serving up a thrill a minute.
Or maybe she would appreciate more someone who is like herself, a companion who is on the same journey she is on, the journey of sexual exploration and discovery.
If you are more experienced than your bride, then this would be a wonderful time to keep that information to yourself. Your experience need not show itself in any other way than through the expression of your confidence, calm, and graciousness. You will achieve more by presenting yourself as more like your bride and at her level of experience rather than as more unlike her.
State the obvious. She’s a virgin; you’re a virgin, or close enough. Sex is the only item on the menu and you are both going to have to place your orders, soon.
You don’t need to lecture her
. . . .data dump on her, explain your preferences or your theory of sex to her.
Too much talking is an attraction killer. Too much talking is like treading water: it keeps you from drowning, but you don’t get anywhere. Too much talking makes you look like you’re stalling for time. If you are stalling for time, then you must be lacking in confidence, and that is an attraction killer.
I am all in favor of communication—-in fact, next to graciousness, it is the number one ingredient for awesome sex—-but there are times when it is better to show than to tell. We will talk about how to show rather than tell in just a bit.
You don’t need give her an orgasm.
Take the pressure off both you and her. You don’t need to give her an orgasm, not first night. Chances that she will have a real orgasm the first time out are amazingly small.
Even if she were not having to deal with lots of distracting factors, not least of which is the discomfort of having her hymen ruptured, women, as a rule, require longer periods of stimulation, both emotionally and physically, then men do before reaching orgasm. If this is your first time with a woman, are you going to be able to hold out for 15 or 30 minutes with your dick inside her? If you’re like many guys the first time, you’ll be lucky to last two minutes.
That’s perfectly okay; neither of you should expect much else the first time round, but also realize that two minutes is not enough for most women, even without the discomfort of a ruptured hymen, to reach orgasm.
You don’t need a marathon sex session (unless you’re both up for it).
If you believe you have something to prove, do it on the honeymoon after both of you have had a solid night’s sleep.
You don’t need a “soup to nuts” sex session.
. . . . one that includes every fantasy you’ve been waiting to try ever since puberty hit, or every flashy porn maneuver you’ve wondered about.
Keep in mind that real sex is not very much like porn at all. If you try to model your sex life on porn, you will be sadly served.
If you find something you both like, keep at it. Stick with what works. Don’t be too eager to abandon a good thing because you feel compelled to chase the promise of something better.
You don’t need to break records
You don’t need to make this the most sensual, intimate and memorable night of your lives.
Your first night will be unique, because it is the first time. No matter what else it may be, you can reliably say it will be interesting. Whether the results are everything you dreamed they would be, or not, you’re going to have many more chances to do it all over again. Once you’re finished putting the information you’ll find in The Art Of Sexual Awesomeness to use, you will be a hundred times the lover you started out as.
(My policy with women I slept with for the first time was that, exciting as it all was, one of the big advantages was simply to get that first time over with so that we could move on to having the really great sex, later.)
There is much you have to learn about your partner that contributes to the quality of sex you have. Until you learn those many things, you’re really just relying on basic principles to see the both of you through. And that’s all right.
What To Do
Wedding Dress: On or Off?
We already covered that 95% of being a great lover is being gracious, so, of course, the first and most important thing you should do at all times is be gracious. If you are having a difficult time figuring out exactly what graciousness means, then simply avoid doing anything that is ungracious. Ungracious behavior is easy to spot. Also, it may help to remember that patience is the soul of graciousness.
There is a debate about whether your bride should remain in her wedding dress until you take it off her, or if she should change into provocative lingerie.
You may have a preference. If she asks you, let her know what it is you prefer.
If she changes out of her wedding clothes because she wants to be more comfortable, but you wanted her to stay in them, accept her wishes to be comfortable.
She still owns the dress. The two of you can reenact your first night with her wearing the dress as many times as you like, under more commodious conditions rather than at the end of an exhausting three day wedding party.
To do anything other than accept her choice in this matter would be to criticize her, the opposite of being gracious. She has thoughtfully chosen lingerie that she hopes will please you—-be sure to verbally recognize her efforts.
Touch begins with our eyes. We touch each other with our eyes, so be sure you look at her and in a way that she knows you are looking at her and she knows that you approve of her, that you admire her, that you desire her. This is something you should be doing throughout the days of your wedding, and then every day thereafter.
Anything can work in sex and love. Touching her with your eyes before touching her with your body is advisable, but if she has her back to you (and she realizes you are there), you can make your first contact with her without eye-contact preceding physical connection because you will be touching her from behind.
When initiating touch, useful pattern to follow is to start by touching her hair, then her face, neck, shoulders, and work your way downward. Start high and move lower. This is not a timed event; there is no need to hurry, unless, that is, you both feel like hurrying.
Generally, a slow touch is better than a fast touch.
When touching her, pay attention to what feels good to you, because chances are strong that what feels good to you will also feel good to her.
Explore her body with your hands, wrists, arms, chest, legs—-in sum, with all of your skin.
When I say “explore,” I don’t mean to imply that you are looking for something that is going to surprise you. This isn’t about cataloguing all of her many parts as quickly as possible.
For example, you may explore her shoulder where it meets her neck over and over with your hand, defining the curves of it and how the curves change depending on how you change the angle of your stroke, or the pressure of your touch. A deep massage, a slight pull, a soothing brush, a light scratch—–there are nearly an infinite number of ways of “exploring” this single area of her anatomy.
However, be careful not to overdo your caresses in any one spot. For example, to me, being petted or stroked over and over again, the same way in the same spot, becomes a kind of torture. When this happens, I have no problem telling my lover that enough is enough, time to move on to another spot. However, your lover might not be so bold to speak her mind, so be considerate. Using myself as my measure of what’s pleasurable, I vary my own caresses in a number of ways. Consider what you yourself find comfortable and uncomfortable and let that be your guide.
(Although, in oral sex, repetition and consistency can be the key ingredients to success. Refer to The Art Of Sexual Awesomeness.)
Back To The Beginning
Let’s take a step back to the beginning: the bedroom doors have closed and she and you are finally alone.
Again, start with stating the obvious. If you are both really exhausted, put it on the table for discussion. Are you both too tired for sex, tonight? Would it be better to simply kiss, make out, caress each other, cuddle, and see what happens, give yourselves the option of doing the sex-thing tomorrow?
Or would waiting not be the right thing to do?
You have options. After all, the two of you are adults and this is your life together, no one else’s; you make the rules.
Either way, you are going to get close and put your hands on one another.
Again, start with your eyes gazing at her, lovingly, admiringly, with desire.
You could say many of the corn-ball, hokey things you have been led to believe that women want to hear men say, and, if she has low expectations of you, it will probably achieve the goal of making her feel good.
But you can do better.
You can still tell her how beautiful she is, blah-blah-boring-blah, but before you do, compliment her on the actual details you noticed about her during the wedding ceremonies, her quiet strength in persevering throughout while remaining so composed and sweet, the kind way you noticed her treating the young children, the way she smiled at the old people.
More than that, tell her how it made you feel when you witnessed these things. “When I saw you smile at your little niece, I could see so much love in your eyes, so much tenderness, it made me feel so close to you.”
Again, tell her whatever it is you actually saw happen and how it made you feel.
Tell her about your feelings for her, not in grand, lofty terms, but in the actual ways you experienced them throughout the days of the wedding. If nothing else, you can tell her how your feelings for her evolved during that time, how they are different now than when the wedding began. This will invite her to respond in kind, and from sharing these memories you build on communication that is genuine and informative, rather than falling back on empty, hackneyed versions of her beautiful this and her beautiful that.
Again, tell her how you felt and how you feel in specific language, not in generalities. Give her details. Confirm for her that she has a powerful effect on you. Speak what is true, because in truth lies the power to rock her world.
Closing The Gap
Before you can touch her with any part of your body, you have to get close enough to touch her. Obvious, yes, so do it. If you are a bit shy, that’s okay. Just get close. You don’t have to touch her, right away. Get close and stay close. Get a little closer. And closer. You can continue to talk about anything you like, even as you take her in your arms and move your mouth nearer her face.
Correction: you can talk about anything you like as long as you are not: criticizing, complaining, whining, or otherwise behaving like an unpleasant crybaby. You should not be trying to impress her with the force of your argument or win a debate with her—–rather, recount the highlights of the past few hours or days. Chat about how nice it is to be alone together, at last, even if your knees are knocking together from nervousness. At this point, it is not important what you are saying as much as it is the tone you say it with, a calm, deliberate tone that is focused on getting closer to her. If your words tumble and trip, let them fall from your lips and disappear—-they are not the most important thing happening at this point.
If she moves away from you, that’s okay. Whatever she does is okay. It may mean that she is not ready, yet, for getting close. Wait awhile, then get close to her, step by step.
If she continues to move away from you, you have many options. You will know best what to do in your particular circumstances, but let me suggest one option: if she is acting very skittish, simply speak the obvious; say, “Stop. Come here; I want to touch you.”
That’s all it takes to get things started.
See The Art Of Sexual Awesomeness Chapter Four for an in-depth discussion of kissing.
Here are the bare essentials to remember about kissing, and they start by making your breath as pleasant. However, that does not mean strong breath fresheners, such as gargle, right before kissing, because the strong smell and taste of gargle may be unwelcome to the person you are kissing.
If you have any dental work that needs attention, such as a cavity, have this taken care of well in advance of your first kiss. Cavities and incipient cavities are often the source of unpleasant odors.
Flossing your teeth is the best way to insure clean breath.
Drinking lots of water is also one of the best and easiest ways to keep the breath fresh.
The next important basic of kissing is to keep your lips relaxed.
If you are nervous, you face and lips will tend to tense up. Kissing taut lips is like kissing plastic. Keep your lips relaxed.
If you are having trouble staying relaxed, pucker you lips up to an extreme degree, as puckered as you can get them. You will not be able to keep them puckered like this for very long. Now, relax back to a normal state—-don’t slide back into the tense state you were in right before you puckered.
Practice this puckering technique ahead of the wedding so that you know what it feels like to change from a very tense state to a relaxed state. Check yourself in a mirror if you are having trouble feeling it.
Pinch your lower and your upper lips together to make sure they are relaxed. If they are tense, then you will feel it when you try to “pinch” them.
Soft, relaxed, responsive lips are essential.
To be absolutely clear, if you need to do the puckering or pinching exercise before kissing in order to relax your lips, then do what you can to keep it a secret. That is, be discreet. If nothing else will do, simply put your hand in front of your mouth and turn your head—-you can both pucker and pinch at the same time.
It is okay to take your time gliding in for the landing, that is, placing your lips on hers. In The Art Of Sexual Awesomeness, we explain how it is often advantageous to kiss other parts of her face before moving on to the lips. However, because this is your first kiss together, she will be expecting you to go for her lips first thing.
Approaching slowly makes it absolutely clear to her what is about to happen, gives her time to prepare mentally and emotionally, and even gives her time to lick her lips, if she needs to.
If you want maximum romance, go slowly. Let her feel your breath on her lips before you kiss her, if the mood allows.
For a first kiss, land softly. Experience the softness of her lips on yours. There is not a lot you need to do at this stage except relish the sheer sensation of your lips and hers, together. Put your focus on what that feels like in all of its subtlety—-there is more going on there than you might otherwise suspect.
Move subtlety, at first; there is no need to immediately chew her face off or wax her uvula with your tongue. Build the intensity, slowly. Be aware of her responses and respond in kind.
You may be the type of man who likes to hold a woman’s head in both his hands as he kisses her.
To each his own. To my thinking, there are better places to put my hands. Also, I don’t want to impart a sense of claustrophobia or stricture by immobilizing her face with my hands.
If she is very shy and you need to direct her face upward so that you have the proper angle for kissing her, mere fingertips on her chin will suffice to indicate to her what is necessary while leaving her a maximum amount autonomy.
But, hey, hands clamped around her face can work as well as anything else, so do what seems best to you in the moment.
When And How To Touch Her Breasts
To read the rest of The Emergency Sex Kit, download the pdf. Thanks for your interest!
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